Doesn’t that sound like an Agatha Christie title? My obsessive habit of buying condiments, as well as any potentially useful canned good, grain or noodle, has led to my being called the “Condiment Queen” by my kinder friends. Others may just consider me a self-indulgent spendthrift. It is this stockpiling obsession that has brought me to my “currant” crisis.

 I find myself trying to merge two already burgeoning pantries into one. In preparation for my move to the island, I did try to sneak some things into our Calgary condo where our sons are living, but it doesn’t take too much imagination to recognize that two 19 year-old boys will find little use for canned water chestnuts, artichokes or couscous. Anything I did manage to pawn off on them will certainly still be there on my next visit.

                        You also need to realize that my actual kitchen here on the island is not finished yet, and the laundry room is serving as a temporary pantry. There is not nearly enough space to tuck away the duplicate and triplicate back-ups of olive oil, mustards, artichokes, couscous, capers and assorted curry pastes that I now have.

            I am thankful, though, that I had decided I couldn’t part with any of my supply of capers. (I sometimes buy these simply because I like the cute little jars.) I had barely landed on Gabriola when I was called to assist in a caper emergency. My response time was admirable, and the dish was saved. Some neighbours are good for a cup of sugar; I can usually be counted on for fish oil and garam masala.

            Waiting for neighbours to relieve me of some of my stock may take a bit too long, and I certainly wouldn’t want to be accused of running a specialty food store out of the home. Fortunately, I had just purchased a copy of Hollyhock Cooks. If I didn’t know better, I would swear that they must have a hidden camera in my fridge. I had decided to tackle the lentil situation first, and this cookbook has at least three lentil recipes. Even better, they also make use of the coconut milk I have been hoarding in the event of a devastating coconut blight. The recipe for a walnut-lentil dip was almost perfect, except that I didn’t have onion or walnuts. I went to my other favourite book, Moosewood Restaurant New Classics, and found almost the same recipe with no walnuts. Unfortunately, it required raisins, which I also didn’t have.

 I felt that it would be worth a trip to the store for onion and raisins if it meant using up at least three tins from my shelves. I decided to buy currants instead of raisins (one can never have enough currants), and since I was in that aisle, I picked up walnuts so that I wouldn’t be caught short the next time. I had a sudden overwhelming concern that I was almost out of tamari, so I decided to buy some of this as well. I find it particularly frustrating to find I am out of something after I have just been to the store.

            The dip, a curried lentil-apple-currant mix, was a hit with the guests, but the next day, I discovered an over-looked bag of currants and two unopened bottles of tamari. You see, this is how it starts. The next thing that happens is that I will forget about the walnut recipe for a few months, then come across it again and go out and buy walnuts because by that time, I will have forgotten that I had bought them three months previous, and of course by that time, I will have no more coconut milk and go out and buy three tins because it always come in handy.

             I think that if I really focus on finding recipes for ingredients instead of the other way around, I may someday lick this over-stocking problem. I have even found a recipe for my Thai black rice in the Hollyhock book. I will need to start working on the soba noodles and garbanzo beans next. Of course, by then, my new kitchen will be built and I’ll have lots of storage space to fill up. And I will!

            Jordan was once asked to do a cooking show on a local radio station. It was set up like the practical exam cooking schools give to their students. Each chef is given a shopping bag of ingredients and is required to produce a three-course meal from them in an hour. In this case, radio listeners were invited down to taste and judge the best dishes, and Jordan won. I think that a similar test could be designed using my pantry. That should be worth at least a culinary Ph.D.

            And don’t think that Jordan is an innocent in this whole thing. On our first visit together to the Village Foodmart, he saw this great line of Thai condiments and picked up two jars. When I got home, I found that I already had an unopened jar of the roasted red chilli paste. I have no recollection of buying it or why. Oh, well! It will make a great sauce combined with coconut milk, fish sauce and tamari to use on soba noodles with water chestnuts.